A mother lectures her son about his used dishes unwashed in the sink. A father punishes his daughter for talking back and not being respectful. A stepmother holds her tongue as her step-daughter swears at her. A stepfather explains to his wife how she ought to punish her son for not checking in when he was out past curfew. Why do these parents, who are striving so hard at blending families, behave the way they do to their children and step children?
How do parents learn how to parent their kids, let alone someone else's children? In every case, behavior is a result of a person's beliefs.
And yet not very many parents know where their beliefs about parenting come from. For lots of parents, the way they parent is a result of how they were parented. Most beliefs about parenting are actually formed starting at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These beliefs are so ingrained, and so much a part of a person's make-up, that they are largely unconscious and not very easily accessed.
By understanding what your beliefs are about parenting and where those beliefs come from, you get to find out whether or not your beliefs are accurate. Children have a different thinking process and many times make beliefs about the world that fit their thinking process, and those beliefs are not necessarily based on correct information. Adults find themselves acting badly to parenting problems in ways they never imagined they would, and they are often unaware of what is actually running them underneath their actions.
Words are Cheap - Take Action
If you're trying your best at blending families, work towards pinning down your childhood beliefs about parenting by allotting some uninterrupted, secluded time together as a couple. Or, if you don't have a partner currently, choose to do this with another single parent to get some support and benefit. Decide who will begin sharing and who will put forward the questions. Be prepared to alternate roles midway through so that each of you gets the same length of time to share.
Inquire about each other's childhood. Discover who the primary parental figures were in each of your lives. Figure out how each of you was parented and what worked for you and what you wanted to be different. Dig for the possible beliefs you made about being a parent as a result of how you were parented. Be absorbed and responsive in what your partner has to say.
How do parents learn how to parent their kids, let alone someone else's children? In every case, behavior is a result of a person's beliefs.
And yet not very many parents know where their beliefs about parenting come from. For lots of parents, the way they parent is a result of how they were parented. Most beliefs about parenting are actually formed starting at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These beliefs are so ingrained, and so much a part of a person's make-up, that they are largely unconscious and not very easily accessed.
By understanding what your beliefs are about parenting and where those beliefs come from, you get to find out whether or not your beliefs are accurate. Children have a different thinking process and many times make beliefs about the world that fit their thinking process, and those beliefs are not necessarily based on correct information. Adults find themselves acting badly to parenting problems in ways they never imagined they would, and they are often unaware of what is actually running them underneath their actions.
Words are Cheap - Take Action
If you're trying your best at blending families, work towards pinning down your childhood beliefs about parenting by allotting some uninterrupted, secluded time together as a couple. Or, if you don't have a partner currently, choose to do this with another single parent to get some support and benefit. Decide who will begin sharing and who will put forward the questions. Be prepared to alternate roles midway through so that each of you gets the same length of time to share.
Inquire about each other's childhood. Discover who the primary parental figures were in each of your lives. Figure out how each of you was parented and what worked for you and what you wanted to be different. Dig for the possible beliefs you made about being a parent as a result of how you were parented. Be absorbed and responsive in what your partner has to say.
1 comments:
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